"The Chive" correspondents from Romania, the ones that have escaped death, report that recent archeological digs confirm that Romanian Orthodoxy is, in fact, to be derived from the Aztecs, the clergy of both beliefs and civilization being similar and the fact that deriving from Aztecs instead of Christians would Romania's modern-day outlook on politics. The discovery of a mummified Orthodox priest, made out of solid gold and rubies explains that Romanians did not, in fact, derive from Orthodoxy but rather from the Aztec. Connections to Mayan Gods and habits are not excluded due to the unearthing of a vehicle made out of solid ivory that is said to have been the ancient Mercedes of the Romanians of old. Unfortunately, the investigations were cut short due to the priest being stolen and the car allegedly being eaten by a pizza, both of them more realistically already being melted and on its way to the highest bidder.

Ms. Renegade Webber, the Romanian ombudsman has stated for "The Chive" that Romania is organizing a legal campaign against the organizers of the D.M.C.A. due to the misinterpretation of the odes of love bought to the dear departed leader Mr. Nicolae Ceausescu. This comes as a response to Ozzy Burbon releasing a cover of one of the songs dedicated to Ceausescu and Romanian scientists deeming that he did not succeed to capture the complete palette of hysterical fanatical chants brought as an homage to the departed leader. Romanian scientists, between hoarding child pornography and "densely-archived illegal Windows XP installation kits" on their work computer, state that the offense is due to Mr. Ozzy creating a "song" as a homage to Ceausescu, but historical accurate realities would imply that the Romanian people never "just sang" about Ceausescu but rather that all songs had to be an opera because other less hysterical musical styles did not capture the full grandeur of the Romanian communist party. International scientists bribed by Ethan Musk state that we might be witnessing the genesis of a whole new genre of musical art, namely "tyrant opera", that consist more or less in cheesy overly-dramatic and quasi-hysterical chants dedicated to a strong man. Unanimously the scientists agree that the arrival of this new music genre is in-tune with emerging tyranny from all corners of the world, and come to match Young Global Totalitarians (an organization homologous to the Union of Young Communists) such as Ursula von der Lying that would have put Ceausescu's madness to shame. For the first time, it seems that Romania has an edge over the planet and that finally an invention can be traced back to Romanians, whilst their historical contribution that made Romanians be pictured as blood-sucking vampires for about half of a millennia, is now turning around and finally paying off; well, at least more than Dracula Park would ever do. Ms. Renegade is hopeful that, in spite of the failure to attract the deep gut-wrenching need for attention that Romania needs after failing to sue Borat three times, the odds might be looking good for Romania to finally insert itself in everyone's field of view.

On his way to obtain his second circumcision to impress the Jewish community, Ethan Musk has stated for "The Chive" that he does not care whether Tesla does not make any profit anymore and he promised that he will be giving away Tesla cars for free as long as D.E.R.P.A. keep rolling out young attractive girls that continue to call him a benevolent genius. NKVD asset Lex Friedmann commented that he will double down on the science interviews, and will establish an entire pipeline of individuals that mutter mumbo-jumbo on neuroscience, similar to non-stop U.S. immigration. Due to running out of tyrants to be "smart", Friedmann made an arrangement with the WHO to supply him with far eastern "alternative scientists" that you have never heard about, in order to supplement the shortage of kingpins and slumlords that cannot add up two numbers but are able to utter their opinions on highly sciency subjects that are so theoretical that it is not certain whether they are about science anymore or whether they are about religion.

After a comet of a career, stand up comedian, podcast pioneer and the promoter of the down-to-earth handyman down the street that we can all relate to, Moe Rogan is reconsidering his stance on drugs and is thinking about not mentioning mushrooms ever again. Whilst Mr. Moe has indeed managed to flip astroturfing from a negative to a positively acclaimed practice, and made astroturfing accessible not exclusively to soccer moms listening to the famous British youtuber Bradley Russad, it seems that his sniveling guests that incessantly insisting in all his interviews how they got off the benzos, cannot seem to be able to hold it together anymore for the duration of the interview, needing frequent "bathroom breaks" following cough attacks, too-often-to-not-notice spontaneous nose drips as well as the rest of frequently-assorted symptoms of "withdrawal". Pedestally, during one of his interviews, one of his guests even had a fully blown emotional meltdown, not minding the dripping nose anymore and almost started crying whilst talking about trivia. Even though no negative connotations are obligatory for 300lbs males to lose their shit mid-interview over trivial minutia like schoolgirls, it has a way of messing with the neatness of the acoustics of the lavish venue and the beautiful microphones that made everyone plagiarize Mr. Moe's show format. In other news, we at "The Chive" have exclusive information that Mr. Moe did not interview the past future ex-president in his shorts, but instead he held the interview without his underpants on in the ultimate act of solidarity with "the common man" that is born without Burgeois underpants.

In order to counter the Soviet racketzi, plaguing the kernel with layman programming, mathematics limited to algebraic primitives, the generalized lack of ingenuity (or that what did not fit on a dingy headed towards the shores of MIT), bad pirate programming semantics learned during the fall of bombs in a shelter during the cold war with the USA and those guys that sold you collections of pirated software on CDs and only half of them worked, Linux Torvalds has personally taken it upon himself to translate the entire code-base and its documentation into Finnish due to fears of espionage agencies co-opting his kernel, under the horrified eyes of the U.S.A.S.S. that already are contributors to the Linux kernel but will now additionally be obliged to make their contributions in Finnish, a language that uses far too many accents on its letters to be reasonable albeit practically useful. In a fit of rage, Mr. Linux has decided to write yet-another source-code managing tool, even more complex and stuffy than git that people will end up using under the threat of being called "technological dolts" and being laughed at by interviewers from Pakistan (one where checking out the source-code at a specific revision will take 6 instead of 3 separate commands vs. the outdated Subversion that takes just 1, in order to stick it up to Japanese over-engineering). Due to being overly-promoted, high-stakes empathetic trading and charitable institutions, conspiratorial sources note that Mr. Linux might have been chipped by Ethan Musk and is now wandering the streets in a humble toga, like Moses, or Isaia for the most knowledgeable, preaching the mechanization of the soul on the cheap, using environment-efficient Chinese components. Mr. Dick Stallman had little to say on the "open" scene being suddenly exposed as being, in fact, extremely political, closed and militarized and stated that as a penance for the propaganda he has been uttering for the past decades, he will be joining youtuber Bradley Russad, due to their looks already being assorted, in order to educate soccer moms on the ins and outs of communist wealth redistribution practices; may he succeed where he previously failed.

Yep, it's that time of the year. Exclusively from "The Chive", citizens are advised to keep their cool at all times when browsing social media this year, as well as to brace themselves profusely due to debates on the topic of "Halloween is not an ethnically native tradition" that will be spreading like wildfire within all digital social circles. Ethan Musk's social triangle, Gen X, will be setup as an arena, split down the middle with the East vs. The Fat Americans or the Angle Saxons in an endless wrestling headlock on the origin and practice of Halloween. As it stands, most Tucker Frenchman invitees confirm that Halloween is not Christian and it seems that ironically only Steven Lolbert is more lenient on the topic. The police force across all continents is standing by at the behest of the Young Global Totalitarians to break down the doors of anyone participating in the Halloween discussion, either with comments that have been deemed "to funny" by the hierarchy, or by pulling mocking or scary faces that can be deemed hateful. For the duration of Halloween, being depressed will be outlawed, due to losing too many tax payers to suicide during festive periods of the year. In fact, as a generous and benevolent measure to address the plummeting population of Europe, the European Community stated that radical measures will have to be enacted and, one of the persons at the European Central Committee that has been playing Frostpunk on their laptop during vital parliamentary meetings, decided to adapt "partner rotations", similar to musical chairs but without hats, and apply it to the entire population of the emerging European Empire at large. Of course, the implementation is left up to the member nations, such that nothing will come of it and thank fuck for that!

Scientists claim that the economic miracle of ex-Soviet banana republic where women are scantily clad and men chase bears over highways, is in fact due to a multi-layered marketing Ponzi scheme, similar to the ingestion of beauty products by the disenfranchised younger population engaging in shallow and shameless occupations. The scheme is inspired from Thatcherite criticism where every able body is supposed to make as many other able bodies sad and expected to recruit others in the process into making even more people sad in order to justify their own existence. In fact, it seems that the only means to rebellion is to outright refuse to be sad, which typically makes the slav unhappy due to the shamelessness of not wanting to participate in civilized society. Communist-belt countries at the fringes of Europe have, upon this discovery, given birth to yet another "security agency" that will be tasked with tracking down the happy people, undoubtedly CIA-Soros assets, in order to bludgeon them back into the pyramidal scheme of sadness, suffering and despair. Face it, misery loves company, and what other entertainment would you have when the TV anchor gets replaced by a security agent other than the casual Schadenfreude of pissing on someone else's parade, especially when doing so only makes you seem like a more fervourous patriot. Fess up tovarash', what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger - well, except amputations, those might set us back by a foot to a mile. Using European funding, ex-Soviet banana republics have decided to bring back rationing queues in order to make people line up for happiness, that is now deemed too easily accessible and results in weak males, such that this novel 5-year investment plan will make everyone suffer like their parents did, half a century before them, in order to show that absolutely no progress in quality of life has been made over the past century and that the efforts of scientists are in vain, when some oligarch is in charge of the proverbial honey tap. Gaffer, *background tank noises* reporting from Central Slavia *more tank noises*, reporting for The Chive.