American as apple pie 
Anxious as a one-eyed cat watch'n two rat holes 
Bald as a cucumber 
Bald as an eagle 
Bare as old mother Hubbard's cupboard 
Beautiful as the day is long 
Big as a barn 
Big as a bear 
Big as a blimp 
Big as a goose egg 
Big as a whale 
Big as bushel baskets 
Big as life 
Big headed as a mule 
Bitter as a gale 
Black as pitch 
Black as the ace of spades 
Blind as a bat 
Bold as brass 
Brave as a lion 
Bright as a button 
Bright as a hurricane lantern 
Bright as a new silver dollar 
Bright as a sixpence 
Broke as the Ten Commandments 
Brown as a berry 
Busy as a bear in a beehive 
Busy as a beaver 
Busy as a bee 
Busy as a cat covering shit 
Busy as a cat on a hot tin roof 
Busy as a farmer with one hoe and two rattlesnakes 
Busy as a one-armed paperhanger 
Busy as a one-armed pickpocket at a kangaroos' convention 
Busy as a one-armed trapeze artist with an itchy ass 
Busy as a one-legged man in an ass kickin' contest 
Busy as a porta potty at a chili eating contest 
Busy as a whore in the navy yard 
Clean as a hound's tooth 
Clean as a penny 
Clean as a whistle 
Cheap as dirt 
Clear as a bell 
Clear as day 
Clear as mud 
Clear as the handwriting on the wall 
Clear as the nose on your face 
Clear as mud 
Clumsy as a bull in a china closet 
Clumsy as a newborn colt 
Cold as a blue northern 
Cold as a frog 
Cold as a kraut-frog 
Cold as a witches broom 
Cold as a witches heart 
Cold as a witches tit 
Cold as an Eskimo's ass 
Cold as blue blazes 
Cold as ice 
Cold as sauerkraut 
Common as grandma at bingo 
Common as turkey in Kentucky Fried Chicken 
Cool as a cucumber 
Cool as the other side of the pillow 
Coordinated as a monkey learning to drive 
Coordinated as a newborn calf 
Confused as a baby in a topless bar 
Confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market 
Confused as a cow knee deep in spring thaw 
Confused as a termite in a yo-yo 
Corny as a cup of corn 
Country as a baked bean sandwich! 
Country as cornflakes 
Crafty as a fox 
Crazy as a bed bug 
Crazy as a bessie bug 
Crazy as a coot 
Crazy as a loon 
Crazy as a shithouse rat 
Crooked as a barrel of fish hooks 
Crooked as a barrel of snakes 
Crooked as a dog's hind leg 
Crooked as a snake 
Crooked as a snake crawling up a hog wire fence 
Crooked as rook wood 
Crooked as the bend in a river 
Cross as a bear 
Cute as a button 
Cute as a bugs ear 
Dark as a pail 
Dark as a tomb 
Dark as the inside of a cow's belly 
Dark as the inside of a horse 
Dead as a dodo 
Dead as a doornail 
Dead as a hammer 
Dead as a mackerel 
Dead as a nit 
Dead as dead can be 
Dead as disco 
Dead as iced catfish 
Deep as a well 
Deep as a dark blue lake 
Dense as a London fog 
Dependable as a fox in a hen house 
Dependable as a mule 
Dependable as a spring flood 
Drunk as a boiled owl 
Drunk as a sailor 
Drunk as a skunk 
Drunk as Cooter Brown 
Dry as a bone 
Dry as a dead dingo's donger 
Dry as a herrin 
Dry as a nun's tit (thirsty) 
Dry as a popcorn fart 
Dry as dust 
Dull as dishwater 
Easy as ABC 
Easy as falling off a log 
Easy as herding chickens 
Easy as pie 
Easy as shooting fish in a barrel 
Easy as sliding off a greasy log backward 
Empty as air 
Empty as your head 
Exciting as watching paint dry 
Fair as a lily 
Far as the eye can see 
Fast as a New York minute 
Fast as a sailor on a 4-hour pass 
Fast as the Mexican two-step 
Fat as a hog 
Fat as a pig 
Fat as a porpoise 
Fine as a fiddle 
Fine as frog hair 
Fit as a fiddle 
Flat as a board 
Flat as a duck's instep 
Flat as a fritter 
Flat as a long-poured champagne 
Flat as a pancake 
Flat-footed as a duck 
Free as a bird 
Fresh as a daisy 
Frisky as a puppy 
Full as a doctor's wallet 
Funny as a fart in church 
Full as a prostitute on a saturday night 
Full as a tick 
Full as a tick on stump liquor 
Full of shit as a Christmas turkey 
Fun as watching grass grow 
Funny as a crutch 
Funny as a hat full of assholes 
Funny as a piss ant floating on his back with a hard on tootin for the bridge to open up! 
Giddy as a school girl on prom night 
Good as gold 
Good as new 
Good as the best and better than the rest 
Goofy as a road lizard 
Goofy as purple shit 
Graceful as a sow on ice 
Graceful as a three legged duck 
Greasy as a greased pig in the sunshine 
Green as a gourd 
Green as grass 
Guilty as sin 
Hairy as an ape 
Happy as a baby in a barrel of tits 
Happy as a coon in a cornfield with the dogs all tied 
Handy as a cow on a crutch 
Happy as a clam 
Happy as a dead pig in the sunshine 
Happy as a gopher in soft dirt 
Happy as a hog in slop 
Happy as a lark 
Happy as a pig in shit/slop/mud 
Happy as a possum up a gum stump 
Happy as hens 
Happy as if he had good sense 
Hard as a bull's head 
Hard as a millstone 
Happy as a new born tick on a fat hound 
Hard as a rock 
Hard as a steel plate 
Hard as nails 
Hard as pickin'the fly dung out of pepper 
Hard to hold as a greased pig 
Healthy as a horse 
Heart as big as all outdoors 
Heart as big as Texas 
Heavy as a dead priest 
Heavy as a tub of lard 
Helpful as a screen door on a submarine 
High as a kite 
High as giraffe nuts 
High as the sky 
Homely as a mud fence 
Honest as he needs to be 
Honest as the day is long 
Horny as a peach-orchard boar 
Horny as a road crew gal straddling an orange cone 
Horny as a three dicked / peckered billy goat 
Horny as a two peckered mink 
Hot as a firecracker on the 4th of July 
Hot as a pistol 
Hot as a pot of rice 
Hot as a whore house on dollar day 
Hot as hell 
Hot as your mom last night 
Hungry as a bear 
Innocent as a dirty hoof print in virgin snow 
Innocent as a lamb 
Innocent as the day he was born 
Interesting as two blind men having a conversation in sign language 
Jumpy as a cat on a hot tin roof 
Jumpy as peas on a hot griddle 
Light as a feather 
Limber as a dishrag 
Limber as a peach tree switch 
Long as a country mile 
Long as a well rope 
Long as the day is long 
Long as the river 
Lonesome as a polecat 
Long as a country mile 
Long as a well rope 
Long as the river 
Loony as a goon 
Loose as a goose 
Low as a snakes belly in a wagon wheel rut 
Low as the ex's lawyer 
Low down as whale shit 
Lucky as a rabbit in a kennel full of hound dogs 
Lucky as a rabbit's foot 
Mad as a hatter 
Mad as a March hare 
Mad as a meat axe 
Mad as an old wet hen 
Mad as fire 
Mad as spit on a griddle 
Makes as much sense as horns on a mule 
As many as Carter had little liver pills 
Mean as a junkyard dog 
Mean as a snake 
Messed up as a football bat 
Mischievous as a cat 
Naked as a jaybird 
Neat as a pin 
Nellie as pink ink 
Nellie as pink ink with a voice that would chip paint 
Nellie as pink ink, but give him a ball of twine and a box of hairpins and he could rebuild Versailles 
Nervous as a cat on a hot tin roof 
Nervous as a fox in a forest fire 
Nervous as a long tailed cat in a rocking chair factory 
Nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs 
Nervous as a pregnant possum 
Nervous as a shrew 
Nervous as a tick on dip day 
Nervous as a virgin at a prison rodeo 
Nervous as a whore in church 
Nice as pie 
Noisy as a cow in a rail pile 
Noisy as a new saddle 
Numb as a hake 
Nutty as a fruitcake 
Nutty as a peach orchard boar 
Nutty as a squirrel 
Off as a bucket of prawns in the midday sun 
Old as dirt 
Old as Methuselah 
Old as the hills 
Old as time 
Pale as a ghost 
Pig-headed as a mule 
Pissed as a newt 
Plain as a pig on a sofa 
Plain as a rainy Tuesday 
Plain as black and white 
Plain as day 
Plain as the nose on your face 
Pleased as a pig in mud 
Pleased as punch 
Plump as a partridge 
Poor as a church mouse 
Poor as field mice 
Popular as a pork chop in a synagogue 
Popular as a red-headed step child 
Popular as dandruff 
Practical as a screen door on a submarine 
Pretty as a calico cat 
Pretty as a new wagon 
Pretty as a peach 
Pretty as a picture 
Pretty as pudding pie 
Pretty as a speckled pup under a red wagon 
Protective as a mother hen 
Proud as a parrot 
Proud as a peacock 
Pure as an angel 
Pure as mother's milk 
Pure as the driven snow 
Queer as a three-dollar bill 
Quick as a banty rooster 
Quick as a bumblebee 
Quick as a cat 
Quick as a cat on a hot tin roof 
Quick as a duck on a June bug 
Quick as a flash 
Quick as a lick 
Quick as a rat with a gold tooth 
Quick as a slug in the mud 
Quick as a whip 
Quick as a wink 
Quick as grandma running backwards 
Quick as lightning 
Quick as yesterday 
Quiet as a mouse 
Quiet as a one-handed clap 
Quiet as a spider pissing on a blotter 
Rare as rocking horse shit 
Red as a beet 
Red as a cherry 
Red as a rooster's comb 
Red as a turkey's snout 
Restless as a worm in hot ashes 
Rich as a foot up a bull's ass 
Rich as was Croesus 
Right as rain 
Rough as a cob 
Rough as a gale 
Round as an apple 
Sad as a cucumber 
Savage as a meat axe: extremely hungry 
Scarce as hen's teeth 
Scared as a rabbit 
Scared as a rabbit in a fox hole 
Screwed up as a football bat 
Screwed up as Hogan's Goat 
Secure as a house of cards 
Serious as a heart attack 
Serious as cancer 
Shaky as a shit house rat 
Sharp as a basketball 
Sharp as a billiard ball 
Sharp as a bowling ball 
Sharp as a cafeteria meatball 
Sharp as a cue ball 
Sharp as a razor 
Sharp as a bag / sack of wet mice 
Sharp as a marble 
Sharp as a pin 
Sharp as a sugarbag full of wet spaghetti 
Sharp as a stick 
Sharp as a tack 
Sharp as a tic 
Sharp as a wet corn flake 
Shiny as a new dime 
Sick as a dog 
Sick as a parrot 
Silly as a dog with two dicks 
Silly as a goose 
Skinny as a rail 
Sleeps sound as a log 
Sleepy as a bear 
Slick as a bucket of snot 
Slick as a cow pie on a flat rock 
Slick as a jar full of eels 
Slick as a mink 
Slick as a weasel 
Slick as a whistle 
Slick as cat shit on linoleum 
Slick as deer guts on a doorknob 
Slick as grass through a goose 
Slick as greased owl shit 
Slick as pig snot 
Slick as slime 
slick as snot on a glass doorknob 
Slick as snot on a goat’s glass eye 
Slippery as a bar of soap 
Slippery as a toad on ice 
Slippery as an eel, or 
Slippery as an eel in a bucket of snot 
Slow as a broken clock 
Slow as a pregnant nun going to confession 
Slow as a snail 
Slow as Christmas 
Slow as dead lice 
Slow as dripping syrup 
Slow as molasses in January 
Slow as shit through a tin horn 
Sly as a fox 
Smart as a box of rocks 
Small as a dog 
Small as a mustard seed 
Smart as a steel trap 
Smart as a tack 
Smart as a whip 
Smart as new paint 
Smooth as a baby's bottom 
Smooth as glass 
Smooth as silk 
Snug as a bug in a rug 
Sober as a judge 
Soft as silk 
Solid as a piece of granite 
Solid as a rock 
Solid as the ground we stand on 
Solid as the Rock of Gibraltar 
Sound as a dollar 
Sound as a drum 
Sour as a lemon gargle 
Spry as a cat 
Squeaky as a rat 
Steady as a rock 
Stiff as a board 
Stiff as a poker 
Straight as an arrow 
Strong as a lion 
Strong as an ox 
Stubborn as a lop-eared mule 
That's about as stupid as a screen door on a submarine 
Subtle as a smack in the chops 
Sure as kilimanjaro rises 
Sure as night follows day 
Sure as the dawn 
Sure as the sun 
Sure as there's cold shit in a dead cat 
Sweet as a pickled peach 
Sweet as apple pie 
Sweet as sugar 
Sweet as you please 
Tall as a tree 
Tender as a mother's love 
Thick as a brick 
Thick as an anvil 
Thick as pea soup 
Thick as the hair on a dogs back 
Thick as thieves 
Thick as two short planks 
Thin as a rail 
Thin as six o'clock 
Tight as a camel's ass in a sandstorm 
Tight as a drum 
Tight as a duck's butt 
Tight as a fish's ass 
Tight as a nuns cunt, so fucking tight it whistles when it pees 
Tight as a tick 
Tight as a virgin's pussy 
Tight as bark on a tree 
Tough as a boarding house steak 
Tough as a Wang 
Tough as an old boot 
Tough as boot leather 
Tough as leather 
Tough as nails 
Tough as old leather 
Ugly as sin 
Uncomfortable as a whore in church 
Uppity as shit on a stick 
Useful as a sidesaddle on a pig 
Useless as a bucket with no bottom 
Useless as a dry milk cow 
Useless as a dry well 
Useless as a one leg man at a butt kicking contest 
Useless as dried spit 
Useless as teats on a bore hog 
Warm as cancer 
Warm as toast 
Weak as a kitten 
weak as a rat 
Weak as a wet blanket 
Weak as piss 
Weak as seven days 
Weak as water 
Welcome as the plaque 
White as a sheet 
White as pearls 
White as snow 
Wild as a March hare 
Wild as a peach orchard hog 
Wise as an owl 
Worthless as a cunt full of cold piss 
Worthless as chicken shit on a pump handle 
Worthless as tits on a boar 
Worthless as tits on a fish
Better than a black land farm 
Better than a kick in the ass with a frozen boot 
Better than a new pencil 
Better than a slap in the face with a wet fish 
Better than a slap up the side of the head with a dead fish 
Better than a sharp stick in the eye 
Better than bacon 
Better than sliced bread 
Better than snuff and not near as dusty 
Bigger than a blue dog tick 
Bigger than Dallas 
Busier than a $2 hooker on half price night 
Busier than a blind dog in a meat house 
Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor 
Busier than a cucumber in a women's prison 
Busier than a one-armed bricklayer in Beirut 
Busier than a one-armed monkey with two peckers 
Busier than a one-armed paperhanger 
Busier than a one-eyed cat watching two mouse holes 
Busier than a one-eyed man at a burlesque show 
Busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest 
Busier than a pig on ice 
Busier than a racoon in tall corn 
Busier than a stump full of ants 
Busier than a ten-peckered dog in a hydrant factory 
Busier than a three legged cat in a dry sand box 
Clearer than glass 
Closer than a hair on a hog 
Colder than a bad girl's heart 
Colder than a brass toilet seat in the Yukon 
Colder than a frog's belly 
colder than a klondike 
Colder than a Midwestern Minnesota Welldigger's gizzard 
Colder than a mother-in-law's kiss 
Colder than a mother-in-law's love 
Colder than a pocket full of penguin shit! 
Colder than a polar bears toe nails 
Colder than a well digger's ass in Alaska 
Colder than a well digger's ass in the Klondike 
Colder than a well-digger's ass in the Yukon 
Colder than a whore's heart 
Colder than a witch's teat 
Colder than a witch's teat in a brass bra 
Colder than a witches toe 
Colder than day old penguin shit 
Colder than striped snake shit 
Colder than the other side of the pillow 
Cold enough to freeze the balls off of a brass monkey 
Cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table 
Cooler than a cat covered in puke 
Cooler than the other side of the pillow 
Cornier than a corn field and half of it's owner's turds 
Crazier than a run over dog 
Crazier than a squirrel on crack 
Crazier then a pet coon 
Crazier than a shit house rat 
Crazier than Joe Cunt's cat 
Cuter than a bug's ear 
Darker than a cat's asshole 
Darker than a coal miner's lunch kettle 
Darker than God's pockets 
Darker than old Coalies ass 
Darker than the inside of a cow 
Deader than 4 O'Clock 
Deader than a doorknob 
Deader than a mackerel 
Deeper than the deep blue sea 
Darker than the inside of a cow 
Deeper than the Pacific 
Dirtier than a chimneysweep's neck 
Dirtier than a ditch digger 
Dirtier than a farmer's clod hoppers 
Drier than a nun's nasty 
Drier than a popcorn fart 
Drunker than Cooter Brown on the 4th of july (Now that is pretty drunk) 
Drunker than Cooter Brown's goat 
Easier than shucking corn in a hen house 
Farther than the outhouse 
Faster than a bee stung stallion 
Faster than a cat can lick its ass 
Faster than a comet 
Faster than a deacon in a whorehouse 
Faster than a jack rabbit 
Faster than a race horse 
Faster than a speeding bullet 
Faster than a speeding crawfish 
Faster than greased lightning 
Faster than Moody's goose 
A fate worse than death 
Finer than frog hair 
Finer than frog hair and only half as stiff 
finer than frogs hair, split three ways 
Finer than a new set of snow tires 
Finer than Burton Snuff 
Finer than frog hair 
More fun than a tooth ache 
More fun than a tornado in a trailer park 
Funnier than a one legged cat trying to bury a turd in a frozen pond 
Funnier than a wagon load of monkeys 
Further than the outhouse 
Got more cousins than Carter's got little pills 
Greener than goard guts 
Happier than a bus full of retards pulling into the Chucky Cheese parking lot 
Happier than a gopher in soft dirt 
Happier than a puppy with two peters 
Happier than a fag in a pecker feild 
Happier than a woodpecker in a lumber yard! 
Harder than a brick 
Harder than a choir boy in a porn shop 
Harder than a ministers prick 
Harder than chinese algebra 
Happier than a pig in shit 
Harder than a wedding dick 
Harder than a woodpeckers lips 
Harder than breaking into Fort Knox 
Harder than nails 
Harder than the hobs of hell 
Head is harder than a brick 
Heavier than a dead preacher 
Higher than a buzzards nest 
Higher than a cats back 
Higher than a Georgia pine 
Higher than a giraffe's ass 
Higher than a kite 
Higher than a woodpeckers hole 
Higher than giraffe pussy 
Higher than puss on a ferris wheel 
Holier than thou 
Hornier than a nine-dicked dog in a kennel full o' bitches! 
Hornier than a three balled tomcat 
Hornier than a two peckered billy goat 
Hotter than 8 Indians in a covered wagon 
Hotter than 400 hells 
Hotter than a $2 pistol on the Fourth of July 
Hotter than a 2-peckered Billy goat 
Hotter than a billy goat in a pepper patch 
Hotter than a billygoat with a blowtorch 
Hotter than a depot stove 
Hotter than a fat man's ass crack in july 
Hotter than a festered tit in a wool bra 
Hotter than a firecracker 
Hotter than a firecracker, but never hotter than a pistol 
Hotter than a firecracker lit at both ends 
Hotter than a fresh-frigged sheep in a pepper patch 
Hotter than a freshly fucked fox in a forest fire 
Hotter than a georgia whore house on dollar day 
Hotter than a ginger mill in Hades 
Hotter than a half-made fox in a forest fire 
Hotter than a June bride in a featherbed 
Hotter than a mess of collard greens on the back burner of a $4 stove 
Hotter than a mouse in a wool sock 
Hotter than a nanny goat in a pepper patch 
Hotter than a nun's bug 
Hotter than a pack of heffers stuffed in a clown car 
Hotter than a pair of sweat pants full of barbecue 
Hotter than a pistol 
Hotter than a pot of collards 
Hotter than a six peckered alley cat 
Hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon rut 
Hotter than a three pecked goat in a field full of nannies 
Hotter than a two dollar pistol 
Hotter than a two dollar pistol on the 4th of July 
Hotter than a two dollar whore 
Hotter than a whore's wet dream 
Hotter than an ol' settin' hen, settin' eggs in a wool basket in the summertime 
Hotter than h e double hockey sticks 
Hotter than hell 
Hotter than hell stewed down to a half-pint 
Hotter than hell's basement on the day of reckonin' 
Hotter than Georgia asphalt 
Hotter than high noon in Death Valley 
Hotter than Paris Hilton's underpants 
Hotter than seven hells out there 
Hotter than the devil's underwear 
Hotter than the hinges of hell 
Hotter than the hinges of Hades 
Hotter than the four sides of hell 
Hotter than two cats fighting in a wool sock 
Hotter than two hampsters farting in a wool sock 
Hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock 
hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock in the desert 
Hotter than two rats fucking in the sun 
Hotter than two-forty Hell / six shades of Hell 
Hotter than two dogs fucking in an attic on a hot august day 
Hot as love in August 
So hot it'd burn the hair off a pig's back 
So hot I could spit fire 
So hot I saw two trees fighting over a dog 
So hot you could fry an egg on the hood of a car 
So hot the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground 
Hot enough to cure tobacco 
In more shit than a faggot's dick (big trouble) 
Larger than life 
Lighter than air 
Longer than a row of cotton 
Lower than a hog's chin on market day 
Lower than a snake's belly or, 
Lower than a snake's belly in a wheel rut 
Lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut 
Lower than a worm 
Lower then quail shit in a wagon rut 
Lower than snail shit 
Lower then snake pussy 
Madder than a baptist in a brothel 
Madder than a bobcat caught in a piss fire 
Meaner than a piney woods rooter 
Meaner than a rattlesnake 
Meaner than a striped snake 
Meaner than hen shit 
Meaner than Moody's goose 
Madder than a wet hen 
Messier than a menudo sandwich 
More balls than Carters got peanuts 
More balls than Tom's got peanuts 
More chins than china 
More confused than a woodpecker in a concrete forest 
More crooked than a dog's back leg 
More Degrees than a kitchen stove 
More fun than a barrel of monkeys 
More money than Ben Gump 
More moves than a belly dancer 
More moves than a bowl full of jello 
More moves than a steam driven stopwatch 
More nervous than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs 
More nervous than a whore in church 
More powerful than a locomotive 
More pricks than a pair of rental trousers 
More pricks than a second hand dartboard 
More problems than Carter has little liver pills 
Muddier than a pig sty 
Noisier than two skeletons fucking on a tin roof 
Nuttier than a port-a-potty at a peanut festival 
Nuttier than a squirrel turd 
Nuttier than squirrel shit 
Older than dirt 
Older than father time 
Older than grandma and she farts dust 
Older than Methuselah 
Older than the creek 
Older than the crust on your grandma's underpants 
Poorer than a pickpocket in a nudist colony 
Poorer than dirt 
Pruder than a new sheep on the farm 
Standing prouder than a honeymooner's dick (standing tall, erectly) 
Purtier than a mess of fried catfish 
Purtier than a new set of snow tires 
Quicker than a cat tryin'to cover up shit on a marble slab 
Quicker than a New York minute 
Quicker than a rabbit 
Quicker than a striped lizard on hot asphalt 
Quicker than greased lightning 
Quicker than Moody's goose 
Quicker than shit through a goose 
Raining harder than a cow pissing on a flat rock 
Roar is bigger than his bite 
Rougher than pig iron 
Rougher than twenty mile of bad road 
Sharper than a mother-in-law's tongue 
Shorter than a mouse hole 
Sharper than an old maid's tongue 
Slicker than a buttered gut 
Slicker than a harpooned hippo on a banana tree 
Slicker than a sycamore sapling 
Slicker than a wet noodle 
Slicker than a wet weasel on a linoleum floor 
Slicker than buttered cat's shit in a skillet 
Slicker than cat shit on a linoleum floor 
Slicker than cut okra in the sink 
Slicker than deer guts on a door knob 
Slicker than greased goose shit 
Slicker than greased owl shit 
Slicker than greased shit through a tin horn 
Slicker than otter snot 
Slicker than owl shit 
Slicker than sin 
Slicker than snot and smashed bananas 
Slicker than snot on a bald man's head 
Slicker than snot on a doorknob 
Slicker than snot on a glass eye 
Slicker than snot on a pump handle 
Slicker than the grease off a b-b-q biscuit 
Slicker than two eels fuckin'in a bucket of snot 
Slower than a seven year itch 
Slower than a two legged coon dog on a monday mornin' 
Slower than a wet week 
Slower than Christmas 
Slower than molasses in January 
Slower than molasses on a cold day 
Slower then turtles in molasses fucking 
Slyer than a fox in a chicken coop 
Smaller than a tick turd 
Smarter than the average bear 
Smoother then a hairy nipple on wax day 
Softer than a sneaker full of shit 
Steeper than a cows face 
Stiffer than a June Brides dream 
Stiffer than a prick 
Stiffer than a two-peckered billy goat 
Stronger than a bear's breath 
Stronger than an acre of garlic 
Sucks cock cleaner than a platoon on latrine duty 
Sweeter than honey 
More stubborn than a mule 
Muddier than a pig sty 
Taller than a tall pine 
Tighter than a bull's ass 
Thicker than a bull's hide 
Tighter than a bull's ass in fly time 
Tighter than a clam's ass with lockjaw 
Tighter than a dick's hat band 
Tighter than a drum 
Tighter than a fish's ass (watertight) 
Tighter than a high string on a two dollar fiddle 
Tighter than a skeeter's ass in a nose dive 
Tighter than a tick with lock jaw 
Thicker than crows in a corn patch 
Thicker than fleas on a dogs back 
Tighter than last years swim suit 
Tighter than old Dick's hatband 
Tighter than two coats of paint 
Stuck tighter than snot on a hot oven door 
She's wound up tighter than the girdle of a baptist minister's wife at an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast 
Tougher than a one eared alley cat 
Tougher than a pine knot 
Tougher than woodpecker lips 
Wetter than a drowned rat 
Wetter than a wharf rat 
Wider than a barn 
Wider than a double wide 
Wider than the Mississippi 
Wilder than a fifth ace 
Wiser than an old owl 
Wound tighter than a three day clock 
Wound up tighter than an eight-day clock 
Worse than a cloudy mind 
Worse than stink on a skunk
Acting like a child 
She is batting her eyes like a frog in a hail storm! (1. trying to stay awake, or 2. flirting) 
Banging her like a screen door in a hurricane 
Bends like a rubberband (in reference to a person) 
Bleedin like a stuck pig 
Bow up like a cutting worm 
Bowed up like a Halloween Cat 
Brain like swiss cheese 
Built like a brick shit house (sturdy woman) 
Built like a tank 
Crammed in like sardines 
Cries like a baby 
Cuss like a sailor 
Done up like a Christmas tree 
Drinks like a fish 
Dropped like a sack of spuds 
Dug in like an Alabama tick 
Eats like a bird 
Feel like a fifth wheel 
Eats like a horse 
Eats like a pig 
Eyes like a hawk 
Face like a dried up buffalo turd 
Face like wet cement 
Falling apart like a cheap suit 
Farting like a pack mule 
I feel like a bag of smashed assholes 
I feel like a monkey trying to do a math problem 
I feel like a rung out old rag thrown out with the wash water 
I feel like giving up the ghost 
I feel like warmed over death 
Fell like a ton of bricks 
Feuding like the Hatfields and McCoys 
Fight like a man 
Fits like an ass in a bucket 
Fought like a tiger 
Gathering like flies 
Get along like oil and water 
Glowing like a good deed in a naughty world 
Goes like shit off a shiny shovel (really fast) 
Goes up like a puff of smoke 
Grinning like a mule chewing briars 
Growing like a weed 
Handshake like a wilted petunia 
Hangin in there like loose teeth 
Hangin like a hooker's cunt 
Hangin like a wet cucumber 
Hanging open like a pea-coat sleeve 
Head like a kicked in shit bin 
Head on her/him like a twisted sand shoe 
Hibernate like a bear 
Hid like a quail in a thicket 
Hung like a mallee bull 
I need that like a hole in the head 
I need that like a moose needs a hat rack 
In and out like a fiddler's elbow 
It will jar your memory like standing at South end of a North bound mule 
Kicking up his heels like a cow going to pasture 
Lies like a dog 
Lies like a rug 
Looks like a pig sty 
Looks like death warmed over 
Memory like an elephant 
Messed up like a kite in a hail storm 
Moving like dead lice are falling off of you 
I need that like a hole in the head 
Off like a bride's nightie 
Off like a old dirty shirt 
Off like a prawn in the hot sun 
Off like a warm fish milkshake 
on him/her like ugly on an ape 
On him/her like white on rice 
Out like a light 
Packed like sardines 
Painted up like a whore 
Piss like a russian race horse at the kentucky derby with a glue truck behind him 
Pulled on like an old sock 
Comin' down like a cow pissin' on a flat rock. 
It's raining cats and dogs! 
It's rainin' like a cow pissin' on a flat rock. 
It's rainin' like piss out of a gum boot! 
It's raining pitchforks and plowhandles. 
It's a real toad choker 
Roars like a lion 
It rolls off like water off of a duck's back 
Runs like a raped ape 
Runs like a scalded dog 
Runs like a spotted ape 
Nose runs like a spring branch 
Runs like a top 
Runs like the wind 
Running around like a chicken with its head cut off 
Running like the hound of Hades was on him 
Screaming like a banshee 
Screams like a mashed cat 
Shaking like a dog shittin' hammer handles 
Belly shakes like Jell-O 
Shakin like a dog shitting peach seeds 
Shakin'like an old dog shittin'logging chains 
Making him sing like a canary 
Sits like a knot on a log 
Sitting around like gin on a piss pot 
Sitting there like a toad licking lightning (doing absolutely nothing) 
Sing like a bird 
Sleep like a baby 
Sleep like a log 
Smells like the shithouse door on a shrimp boat 
Smoking like a chimney 
Soars like an eagle 
Sounds like a thrashing machine 
Squeals like a stuck pig 
Sticks like glue 
Sticks like tar 
Sticks out like a sore thumb 
Struck like a serpent 
Sweating like a pig 
Sweating like a whore in a church 
Swellin' up like a big ol' dawg 
Tastes like the bottom of a birdcage 
Take it like a man 
That'll go over like a pregnant pole vaulter 
Took off like a bat out of hell 
Took off like a shot 
Treated like a dog 
Twisted like a pretzel 
Up and down like a whore's drawers 
Vanished like a fart in a fan factory 
Warped like a dog's hind leg 
Went over like a lead balloon 
Whines like the wife on payday 
Wrinkled like a prune 
Blew up like a jackass in a tin barn 
Blew up like a jackass on a 10-acre lot 
Built like a brick shithouse 
Built like a depot stove 
Driving like he's in a hurry to get to heaven 
Drop you like a sack of dirt 
Drop you like a sack of potatoes 
Feel like the ground floor tenant in a 2 story outhouse 
Fits like a saddle on a sow 
Hair like a last year's bird nest 
He goes at it like a house a'fire 
He had a look on his face like a rat eating crap off a wire brush 
He ran like a scalded dawg 
He was smiling like a rat eating onions 
Her ass looks like twenty pounds of ricotta cheese in a pillowcase 
Her face looks like an unmade bed 
Her face looks like thirty miles of bad road 
He's handy like a tool-belt 
I banged her like a broken screen door in a hurricane 
I feel like I was eaten by a wolf and shit out over a cliff 
I feel like I've been shot off my horse and dragged through the sagebrush 
I felt like a foreman at a retard house 
I got to whiz like a racehorse 
I'm off like a prom dress 
I'm on it like an Ethiopian on a cheeseburger 
It tastes like an angel peeing on my tongue 
It's like a singed cat, it tastes better than it looks 
It's like the woman with a nosebleed, if it ain’t one damn thing it's another 
It's like trying to push a wet rope up a hill 
Just like squirrels, the woods is full of them 
Just like tryin' to push a rope 
Left like last year's newspapers 
Looks like two pigs in a poke 
Looks like two possums in a gunny sack 
Lyin' like a dog a-trottin 
Raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock 
Raining like a two cuntted cow pissing on a flat rock 
Ran like a scalded dog 
Running like their feet was on fire and their asses was catching 
Shaking like a dog passing razorblades 
Shaking like a dog shitting peach pits 
She's built like a brick shithouse 
Shining like a diamond in a goats ass 
Sounds like a breedin' jackass in a tin barn 
Sounds like pigs eating their young 
Sounds like somebody beating a baby with a cat 
Stuck out like a turd in a punch bowl 
Sweating like a $2.00 whore in church 
Swelled up like a honeymoon pecker 
Tasted like shit good thing I did not step in it 
That looks like rat-shit rollin' off a rocky mountain 
That went over like a fart in church 
That would be like trying to shove butter up a wildcat's ass with a hot poker 
That'll go over like a fart in a spacesuit 
What's wrong? You look like you just kissed the wrong end of a baby 
When that gal walks, her hips look like two bobcats in a sack 
You look like death-warmed-over 
You sound like a hog in a coal pile 
You’ve got a mind like a cutworm
Like a blind dog in a meat house 
Like a bulldog eating porridge (a woman's genitals after intercourse) 
Like a bat out of hell 
Like a broken record 
Like a chicken with its head cut off 
Like a dog chasing cars 
Like a duck on a June bug 
Like a fart in a skillet (wound up) 
Like a fish out of water 
Like a man grasping for straws 
Like a moth to a flame 
Like a snowball on its way hell 
Like a turtle on a fence post 
Like an apple, rotten to the core 
Like balling the jack 
Like being at a cake walk with no money 
Like being in a candy store with no money 
Like breaking a new pair of boots 
Like chalk and cheese (English) 
Like fucking a warm can of tuna 
Like getting your tit in the wringer 
Like grabbing hold of a dead fish 
Like ham on rye 
Like lambs to the slaughterhouse 
Like looking for a needle in a haystack 
Like my daddy used to say 
Like opening a can of worms 
Like pigs in a poke 
Like putting dracula in charge of the blood bank (unwise decision) 
Like riding a bike 
Like shooting fish in a barrel 
Like spittin' into the wind! (it will come back to you) 
Like stink on a skunk 
Like taking candy from a baby 
Like the pot calling the kettle black 
Like trying to nail Jello to a tree 
Like two peas in a pod 
Like walking a board sidewalk in high heels 
Like walking on eggshells 
Like water off a duck's back 
Like white on rice