American as apple pie Anxious as a one-eyed cat watch'n two rat holes Bald as a cucumber Bald as an eagle Bare as old mother Hubbard's cupboard Beautiful as the day is long Big as a barn Big as a bear Big as a blimp Big as a goose egg Big as a whale Big as bushel baskets Big as life Big headed as a mule Bitter as a gale Black as pitch Black as the ace of spades Blind as a bat Bold as brass Brave as a lion Bright as a button Bright as a hurricane lantern Bright as a new silver dollar Bright as a sixpence Broke as the Ten Commandments Brown as a berry Busy as a bear in a beehive Busy as a beaver Busy as a bee Busy as a cat covering shit Busy as a cat on a hot tin roof Busy as a farmer with one hoe and two rattlesnakes Busy as a one-armed paperhanger Busy as a one-armed pickpocket at a kangaroos' convention Busy as a one-armed trapeze artist with an itchy ass Busy as a one-legged man in an ass kickin' contest Busy as a porta potty at a chili eating contest Busy as a whore in the navy yard Clean as a hound's tooth Clean as a penny Clean as a whistle Cheap as dirt Clear as a bell Clear as day Clear as mud Clear as the handwriting on the wall Clear as the nose on your face Clear as mud Clumsy as a bull in a china closet Clumsy as a newborn colt Cold as a blue northern Cold as a frog Cold as a kraut-frog Cold as a witches broom Cold as a witches heart Cold as a witches tit Cold as an Eskimo's ass Cold as blue blazes Cold as ice Cold as sauerkraut Common as grandma at bingo Common as turkey in Kentucky Fried Chicken Cool as a cucumber Cool as the other side of the pillow Coordinated as a monkey learning to drive Coordinated as a newborn calf Confused as a baby in a topless bar Confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market Confused as a cow knee deep in spring thaw Confused as a termite in a yo-yo Corny as a cup of corn Country as a baked bean sandwich! Country as cornflakes Crafty as a fox Crazy as a bed bug Crazy as a bessie bug Crazy as a coot Crazy as a loon Crazy as a shithouse rat Crooked as a barrel of fish hooks Crooked as a barrel of snakes Crooked as a dog's hind leg Crooked as a snake Crooked as a snake crawling up a hog wire fence Crooked as rook wood Crooked as the bend in a river Cross as a bear Cute as a button Cute as a bugs ear Dark as a pail Dark as a tomb Dark as the inside of a cow's belly Dark as the inside of a horse Dead as a dodo Dead as a doornail Dead as a hammer Dead as a mackerel Dead as a nit Dead as dead can be Dead as disco Dead as iced catfish Deep as a well Deep as a dark blue lake Dense as a London fog Dependable as a fox in a hen house Dependable as a mule Dependable as a spring flood Drunk as a boiled owl Drunk as a sailor Drunk as a skunk Drunk as Cooter Brown Dry as a bone Dry as a dead dingo's donger Dry as a herrin Dry as a nun's tit (thirsty) Dry as a popcorn fart Dry as dust Dull as dishwater Easy as ABC Easy as falling off a log Easy as herding chickens Easy as pie Easy as shooting fish in a barrel Easy as sliding off a greasy log backward Empty as air Empty as your head Exciting as watching paint dry Fair as a lily Far as the eye can see Fast as a New York minute Fast as a sailor on a 4-hour pass Fast as the Mexican two-step Fat as a hog Fat as a pig Fat as a porpoise Fine as a fiddle Fine as frog hair Fit as a fiddle Flat as a board Flat as a duck's instep Flat as a fritter Flat as a long-poured champagne Flat as a pancake Flat-footed as a duck Free as a bird Fresh as a daisy Frisky as a puppy Full as a doctor's wallet Funny as a fart in church Full as a prostitute on a saturday night Full as a tick Full as a tick on stump liquor Full of shit as a Christmas turkey Fun as watching grass grow Funny as a crutch Funny as a hat full of assholes Funny as a piss ant floating on his back with a hard on tootin for the bridge to open up! Giddy as a school girl on prom night Good as gold Good as new Good as the best and better than the rest Goofy as a road lizard Goofy as purple shit Graceful as a sow on ice Graceful as a three legged duck Greasy as a greased pig in the sunshine Green as a gourd Green as grass Guilty as sin Hairy as an ape Happy as a baby in a barrel of tits Happy as a coon in a cornfield with the dogs all tied Handy as a cow on a crutch Happy as a clam Happy as a dead pig in the sunshine Happy as a gopher in soft dirt Happy as a hog in slop Happy as a lark Happy as a pig in shit/slop/mud Happy as a possum up a gum stump Happy as hens Happy as if he had good sense Hard as a bull's head Hard as a millstone Happy as a new born tick on a fat hound Hard as a rock Hard as a steel plate Hard as nails Hard as pickin'the fly dung out of pepper Hard to hold as a greased pig Healthy as a horse Heart as big as all outdoors Heart as big as Texas Heavy as a dead priest Heavy as a tub of lard Helpful as a screen door on a submarine High as a kite High as giraffe nuts High as the sky Homely as a mud fence Honest as he needs to be Honest as the day is long Horny as a peach-orchard boar Horny as a road crew gal straddling an orange cone Horny as a three dicked / peckered billy goat Horny as a two peckered mink Hot as a firecracker on the 4th of July Hot as a pistol Hot as a pot of rice Hot as a whore house on dollar day Hot as hell Hot as your mom last night Hungry as a bear Innocent as a dirty hoof print in virgin snow Innocent as a lamb Innocent as the day he was born Interesting as two blind men having a conversation in sign language Jumpy as a cat on a hot tin roof Jumpy as peas on a hot griddle Light as a feather Limber as a dishrag Limber as a peach tree switch Long as a country mile Long as a well rope Long as the day is long Long as the river Lonesome as a polecat Long as a country mile Long as a well rope Long as the river Loony as a goon Loose as a goose Low as a snakes belly in a wagon wheel rut Low as the ex's lawyer Low down as whale shit Lucky as a rabbit in a kennel full of hound dogs Lucky as a rabbit's foot Mad as a hatter Mad as a March hare Mad as a meat axe Mad as an old wet hen Mad as fire Mad as spit on a griddle Makes as much sense as horns on a mule As many as Carter had little liver pills Mean as a junkyard dog Mean as a snake Messed up as a football bat Mischievous as a cat Naked as a jaybird Neat as a pin Nellie as pink ink Nellie as pink ink with a voice that would chip paint Nellie as pink ink, but give him a ball of twine and a box of hairpins and he could rebuild Versailles Nervous as a cat on a hot tin roof Nervous as a fox in a forest fire Nervous as a long tailed cat in a rocking chair factory Nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs Nervous as a pregnant possum Nervous as a shrew Nervous as a tick on dip day Nervous as a virgin at a prison rodeo Nervous as a whore in church Nice as pie Noisy as a cow in a rail pile Noisy as a new saddle Numb as a hake Nutty as a fruitcake Nutty as a peach orchard boar Nutty as a squirrel Off as a bucket of prawns in the midday sun Old as dirt Old as Methuselah Old as the hills Old as time Pale as a ghost Pig-headed as a mule Pissed as a newt Plain as a pig on a sofa Plain as a rainy Tuesday Plain as black and white Plain as day Plain as the nose on your face Pleased as a pig in mud Pleased as punch Plump as a partridge Poor as a church mouse Poor as field mice Popular as a pork chop in a synagogue Popular as a red-headed step child Popular as dandruff Practical as a screen door on a submarine Pretty as a calico cat Pretty as a new wagon Pretty as a peach Pretty as a picture Pretty as pudding pie Pretty as a speckled pup under a red wagon Protective as a mother hen Proud as a parrot Proud as a peacock Pure as an angel Pure as mother's milk Pure as the driven snow Queer as a three-dollar bill Quick as a banty rooster Quick as a bumblebee Quick as a cat Quick as a cat on a hot tin roof Quick as a duck on a June bug Quick as a flash Quick as a lick Quick as a rat with a gold tooth Quick as a slug in the mud Quick as a whip Quick as a wink Quick as grandma running backwards Quick as lightning Quick as yesterday Quiet as a mouse Quiet as a one-handed clap Quiet as a spider pissing on a blotter Rare as rocking horse shit Red as a beet Red as a cherry Red as a rooster's comb Red as a turkey's snout Restless as a worm in hot ashes Rich as a foot up a bull's ass Rich as was Croesus Right as rain Rough as a cob Rough as a gale Round as an apple Sad as a cucumber Savage as a meat axe: extremely hungry Scarce as hen's teeth Scared as a rabbit Scared as a rabbit in a fox hole Screwed up as a football bat Screwed up as Hogan's Goat Secure as a house of cards Serious as a heart attack Serious as cancer Shaky as a shit house rat Sharp as a basketball Sharp as a billiard ball Sharp as a bowling ball Sharp as a cafeteria meatball Sharp as a cue ball Sharp as a razor Sharp as a bag / sack of wet mice Sharp as a marble Sharp as a pin Sharp as a sugarbag full of wet spaghetti Sharp as a stick Sharp as a tack Sharp as a tic Sharp as a wet corn flake Shiny as a new dime Sick as a dog Sick as a parrot Silly as a dog with two dicks Silly as a goose Skinny as a rail Sleeps sound as a log Sleepy as a bear Slick as a bucket of snot Slick as a cow pie on a flat rock Slick as a jar full of eels Slick as a mink Slick as a weasel Slick as a whistle Slick as cat shit on linoleum Slick as deer guts on a doorknob Slick as grass through a goose Slick as greased owl shit Slick as pig snot Slick as slime slick as snot on a glass doorknob Slick as snot on a goat’s glass eye Slippery as a bar of soap Slippery as a toad on ice Slippery as an eel, or Slippery as an eel in a bucket of snot Slow as a broken clock Slow as a pregnant nun going to confession Slow as a snail Slow as Christmas Slow as dead lice Slow as dripping syrup Slow as molasses in January Slow as shit through a tin horn Sly as a fox Smart as a box of rocks Small as a dog Small as a mustard seed Smart as a steel trap Smart as a tack Smart as a whip Smart as new paint Smooth as a baby's bottom Smooth as glass Smooth as silk Snug as a bug in a rug Sober as a judge Soft as silk Solid as a piece of granite Solid as a rock Solid as the ground we stand on Solid as the Rock of Gibraltar Sound as a dollar Sound as a drum Sour as a lemon gargle Spry as a cat Squeaky as a rat Steady as a rock Stiff as a board Stiff as a poker Straight as an arrow Strong as a lion Strong as an ox Stubborn as a lop-eared mule That's about as stupid as a screen door on a submarine Subtle as a smack in the chops Sure as kilimanjaro rises Sure as night follows day Sure as the dawn Sure as the sun Sure as there's cold shit in a dead cat Sweet as a pickled peach Sweet as apple pie Sweet as sugar Sweet as you please Tall as a tree Tender as a mother's love Thick as a brick Thick as an anvil Thick as pea soup Thick as the hair on a dogs back Thick as thieves Thick as two short planks Thin as a rail Thin as six o'clock Tight as a camel's ass in a sandstorm Tight as a drum Tight as a duck's butt Tight as a fish's ass Tight as a nuns cunt, so fucking tight it whistles when it pees Tight as a tick Tight as a virgin's pussy Tight as bark on a tree Tough as a boarding house steak Tough as a Wang Tough as an old boot Tough as boot leather Tough as leather Tough as nails Tough as old leather Ugly as sin Uncomfortable as a whore in church Uppity as shit on a stick Useful as a sidesaddle on a pig Useless as a bucket with no bottom Useless as a dry milk cow Useless as a dry well Useless as a one leg man at a butt kicking contest Useless as dried spit Useless as teats on a bore hog Warm as cancer Warm as toast Weak as a kitten weak as a rat Weak as a wet blanket Weak as piss Weak as seven days Weak as water Welcome as the plaque White as a sheet White as pearls White as snow Wild as a March hare Wild as a peach orchard hog Wise as an owl Worthless as a cunt full of cold piss Worthless as chicken shit on a pump handle Worthless as tits on a boar Worthless as tits on a fish Better than a black land farm Better than a kick in the ass with a frozen boot Better than a new pencil Better than a slap in the face with a wet fish Better than a slap up the side of the head with a dead fish Better than a sharp stick in the eye Better than bacon Better than sliced bread Better than snuff and not near as dusty Bigger than a blue dog tick Bigger than Dallas Busier than a $2 hooker on half price night Busier than a blind dog in a meat house Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor Busier than a cucumber in a women's prison Busier than a one-armed bricklayer in Beirut Busier than a one-armed monkey with two peckers Busier than a one-armed paperhanger Busier than a one-eyed cat watching two mouse holes Busier than a one-eyed man at a burlesque show Busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest Busier than a pig on ice Busier than a racoon in tall corn Busier than a stump full of ants Busier than a ten-peckered dog in a hydrant factory Busier than a three legged cat in a dry sand box Clearer than glass Closer than a hair on a hog Colder than a bad girl's heart Colder than a brass toilet seat in the Yukon Colder than a frog's belly colder than a klondike Colder than a Midwestern Minnesota Welldigger's gizzard Colder than a mother-in-law's kiss Colder than a mother-in-law's love Colder than a pocket full of penguin shit! Colder than a polar bears toe nails Colder than a well digger's ass in Alaska Colder than a well digger's ass in the Klondike Colder than a well-digger's ass in the Yukon Colder than a whore's heart Colder than a witch's teat Colder than a witch's teat in a brass bra Colder than a witches toe Colder than day old penguin shit Colder than striped snake shit Colder than the other side of the pillow Cold enough to freeze the balls off of a brass monkey Cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table Cooler than a cat covered in puke Cooler than the other side of the pillow Cornier than a corn field and half of it's owner's turds Crazier than a run over dog Crazier than a squirrel on crack Crazier then a pet coon Crazier than a shit house rat Crazier than Joe Cunt's cat Cuter than a bug's ear Darker than a cat's asshole Darker than a coal miner's lunch kettle Darker than God's pockets Darker than old Coalies ass Darker than the inside of a cow Deader than 4 O'Clock Deader than a doorknob Deader than a mackerel Deeper than the deep blue sea Darker than the inside of a cow Deeper than the Pacific Dirtier than a chimneysweep's neck Dirtier than a ditch digger Dirtier than a farmer's clod hoppers Drier than a nun's nasty Drier than a popcorn fart Drunker than Cooter Brown on the 4th of july (Now that is pretty drunk) Drunker than Cooter Brown's goat Easier than shucking corn in a hen house Farther than the outhouse Faster than a bee stung stallion Faster than a cat can lick its ass Faster than a comet Faster than a deacon in a whorehouse Faster than a jack rabbit Faster than a race horse Faster than a speeding bullet Faster than a speeding crawfish Faster than greased lightning Faster than Moody's goose A fate worse than death Finer than frog hair Finer than frog hair and only half as stiff finer than frogs hair, split three ways Finer than a new set of snow tires Finer than Burton Snuff Finer than frog hair More fun than a tooth ache More fun than a tornado in a trailer park Funnier than a one legged cat trying to bury a turd in a frozen pond Funnier than a wagon load of monkeys Further than the outhouse Got more cousins than Carter's got little pills Greener than goard guts Happier than a bus full of retards pulling into the Chucky Cheese parking lot Happier than a gopher in soft dirt Happier than a puppy with two peters Happier than a fag in a pecker feild Happier than a woodpecker in a lumber yard! Harder than a brick Harder than a choir boy in a porn shop Harder than a ministers prick Harder than chinese algebra Happier than a pig in shit Harder than a wedding dick Harder than a woodpeckers lips Harder than breaking into Fort Knox Harder than nails Harder than the hobs of hell Head is harder than a brick Heavier than a dead preacher Higher than a buzzards nest Higher than a cats back Higher than a Georgia pine Higher than a giraffe's ass Higher than a kite Higher than a woodpeckers hole Higher than giraffe pussy Higher than puss on a ferris wheel Holier than thou Hornier than a nine-dicked dog in a kennel full o' bitches! Hornier than a three balled tomcat Hornier than a two peckered billy goat Hotter than 8 Indians in a covered wagon Hotter than 400 hells Hotter than a $2 pistol on the Fourth of July Hotter than a 2-peckered Billy goat Hotter than a billy goat in a pepper patch Hotter than a billygoat with a blowtorch Hotter than a depot stove Hotter than a fat man's ass crack in july Hotter than a festered tit in a wool bra Hotter than a firecracker Hotter than a firecracker, but never hotter than a pistol Hotter than a firecracker lit at both ends Hotter than a fresh-frigged sheep in a pepper patch Hotter than a freshly fucked fox in a forest fire Hotter than a georgia whore house on dollar day Hotter than a ginger mill in Hades Hotter than a half-made fox in a forest fire Hotter than a June bride in a featherbed Hotter than a mess of collard greens on the back burner of a $4 stove Hotter than a mouse in a wool sock Hotter than a nanny goat in a pepper patch Hotter than a nun's bug Hotter than a pack of heffers stuffed in a clown car Hotter than a pair of sweat pants full of barbecue Hotter than a pistol Hotter than a pot of collards Hotter than a six peckered alley cat Hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon rut Hotter than a three pecked goat in a field full of nannies Hotter than a two dollar pistol Hotter than a two dollar pistol on the 4th of July Hotter than a two dollar whore Hotter than a whore's wet dream Hotter than an ol' settin' hen, settin' eggs in a wool basket in the summertime Hotter than h e double hockey sticks Hotter than hell Hotter than hell stewed down to a half-pint Hotter than hell's basement on the day of reckonin' Hotter than Georgia asphalt Hotter than high noon in Death Valley Hotter than Paris Hilton's underpants Hotter than seven hells out there Hotter than the devil's underwear Hotter than the hinges of hell Hotter than the hinges of Hades Hotter than the four sides of hell Hotter than two cats fighting in a wool sock Hotter than two hampsters farting in a wool sock Hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock in the desert Hotter than two rats fucking in the sun Hotter than two-forty Hell / six shades of Hell Hotter than two dogs fucking in an attic on a hot august day Hot as love in August So hot it'd burn the hair off a pig's back So hot I could spit fire So hot I saw two trees fighting over a dog So hot you could fry an egg on the hood of a car So hot the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground Hot enough to cure tobacco In more shit than a faggot's dick (big trouble) Larger than life Lighter than air Longer than a row of cotton Lower than a hog's chin on market day Lower than a snake's belly or, Lower than a snake's belly in a wheel rut Lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut Lower than a worm Lower then quail shit in a wagon rut Lower than snail shit Lower then snake pussy Madder than a baptist in a brothel Madder than a bobcat caught in a piss fire Meaner than a piney woods rooter Meaner than a rattlesnake Meaner than a striped snake Meaner than hen shit Meaner than Moody's goose Madder than a wet hen Messier than a menudo sandwich More balls than Carters got peanuts More balls than Tom's got peanuts More chins than china More confused than a woodpecker in a concrete forest More crooked than a dog's back leg More Degrees than a kitchen stove More fun than a barrel of monkeys More money than Ben Gump More moves than a belly dancer More moves than a bowl full of jello More moves than a steam driven stopwatch More nervous than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs More nervous than a whore in church More powerful than a locomotive More pricks than a pair of rental trousers More pricks than a second hand dartboard More problems than Carter has little liver pills Muddier than a pig sty Noisier than two skeletons fucking on a tin roof Nuttier than a port-a-potty at a peanut festival Nuttier than a squirrel turd Nuttier than squirrel shit Older than dirt Older than father time Older than grandma and she farts dust Older than Methuselah Older than the creek Older than the crust on your grandma's underpants Poorer than a pickpocket in a nudist colony Poorer than dirt Pruder than a new sheep on the farm Standing prouder than a honeymooner's dick (standing tall, erectly) Purtier than a mess of fried catfish Purtier than a new set of snow tires Quicker than a cat tryin'to cover up shit on a marble slab Quicker than a New York minute Quicker than a rabbit Quicker than a striped lizard on hot asphalt Quicker than greased lightning Quicker than Moody's goose Quicker than shit through a goose Raining harder than a cow pissing on a flat rock Roar is bigger than his bite Rougher than pig iron Rougher than twenty mile of bad road Sharper than a mother-in-law's tongue Shorter than a mouse hole Sharper than an old maid's tongue Slicker than a buttered gut Slicker than a harpooned hippo on a banana tree Slicker than a sycamore sapling Slicker than a wet noodle Slicker than a wet weasel on a linoleum floor Slicker than buttered cat's shit in a skillet Slicker than cat shit on a linoleum floor Slicker than cut okra in the sink Slicker than deer guts on a door knob Slicker than greased goose shit Slicker than greased owl shit Slicker than greased shit through a tin horn Slicker than otter snot Slicker than owl shit Slicker than sin Slicker than snot and smashed bananas Slicker than snot on a bald man's head Slicker than snot on a doorknob Slicker than snot on a glass eye Slicker than snot on a pump handle Slicker than the grease off a b-b-q biscuit Slicker than two eels fuckin'in a bucket of snot Slower than a seven year itch Slower than a two legged coon dog on a monday mornin' Slower than a wet week Slower than Christmas Slower than molasses in January Slower than molasses on a cold day Slower then turtles in molasses fucking Slyer than a fox in a chicken coop Smaller than a tick turd Smarter than the average bear Smoother then a hairy nipple on wax day Softer than a sneaker full of shit Steeper than a cows face Stiffer than a June Brides dream Stiffer than a prick Stiffer than a two-peckered billy goat Stronger than a bear's breath Stronger than an acre of garlic Sucks cock cleaner than a platoon on latrine duty Sweeter than honey More stubborn than a mule Muddier than a pig sty Taller than a tall pine Tighter than a bull's ass Thicker than a bull's hide Tighter than a bull's ass in fly time Tighter than a clam's ass with lockjaw Tighter than a dick's hat band Tighter than a drum Tighter than a fish's ass (watertight) Tighter than a high string on a two dollar fiddle Tighter than a skeeter's ass in a nose dive Tighter than a tick with lock jaw Thicker than crows in a corn patch Thicker than fleas on a dogs back Tighter than last years swim suit Tighter than old Dick's hatband Tighter than two coats of paint Stuck tighter than snot on a hot oven door She's wound up tighter than the girdle of a baptist minister's wife at an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast Tougher than a one eared alley cat Tougher than a pine knot Tougher than woodpecker lips Wetter than a drowned rat Wetter than a wharf rat Wider than a barn Wider than a double wide Wider than the Mississippi Wilder than a fifth ace Wiser than an old owl Wound tighter than a three day clock Wound up tighter than an eight-day clock Worse than a cloudy mind Worse than stink on a skunk Acting like a child She is batting her eyes like a frog in a hail storm! (1. trying to stay awake, or 2. flirting) Banging her like a screen door in a hurricane Bends like a rubberband (in reference to a person) Bleedin like a stuck pig Bow up like a cutting worm Bowed up like a Halloween Cat Brain like swiss cheese Built like a brick shit house (sturdy woman) Built like a tank Crammed in like sardines Cries like a baby Cuss like a sailor Done up like a Christmas tree Drinks like a fish Dropped like a sack of spuds Dug in like an Alabama tick Eats like a bird Feel like a fifth wheel Eats like a horse Eats like a pig Eyes like a hawk Face like a dried up buffalo turd Face like wet cement Falling apart like a cheap suit Farting like a pack mule I feel like a bag of smashed assholes I feel like a monkey trying to do a math problem I feel like a rung out old rag thrown out with the wash water I feel like giving up the ghost I feel like warmed over death Fell like a ton of bricks Feuding like the Hatfields and McCoys Fight like a man Fits like an ass in a bucket Fought like a tiger Gathering like flies Get along like oil and water Glowing like a good deed in a naughty world Goes like shit off a shiny shovel (really fast) Goes up like a puff of smoke Grinning like a mule chewing briars Growing like a weed Handshake like a wilted petunia Hangin in there like loose teeth Hangin like a hooker's cunt Hangin like a wet cucumber Hanging open like a pea-coat sleeve Head like a kicked in shit bin Head on her/him like a twisted sand shoe Hibernate like a bear Hid like a quail in a thicket Hung like a mallee bull I need that like a hole in the head I need that like a moose needs a hat rack In and out like a fiddler's elbow It will jar your memory like standing at South end of a North bound mule Kicking up his heels like a cow going to pasture Lies like a dog Lies like a rug Looks like a pig sty Looks like death warmed over Memory like an elephant Messed up like a kite in a hail storm Moving like dead lice are falling off of you I need that like a hole in the head Off like a bride's nightie Off like a old dirty shirt Off like a prawn in the hot sun Off like a warm fish milkshake on him/her like ugly on an ape On him/her like white on rice Out like a light Packed like sardines Painted up like a whore Piss like a russian race horse at the kentucky derby with a glue truck behind him Pulled on like an old sock Comin' down like a cow pissin' on a flat rock. It's raining cats and dogs! It's rainin' like a cow pissin' on a flat rock. It's rainin' like piss out of a gum boot! It's raining pitchforks and plowhandles. It's a real toad choker Roars like a lion It rolls off like water off of a duck's back Runs like a raped ape Runs like a scalded dog Runs like a spotted ape Nose runs like a spring branch Runs like a top Runs like the wind Running around like a chicken with its head cut off Running like the hound of Hades was on him Screaming like a banshee Screams like a mashed cat Shaking like a dog shittin' hammer handles Belly shakes like Jell-O Shakin like a dog shitting peach seeds Shakin'like an old dog shittin'logging chains Making him sing like a canary Sits like a knot on a log Sitting around like gin on a piss pot Sitting there like a toad licking lightning (doing absolutely nothing) Sing like a bird Sleep like a baby Sleep like a log Smells like the shithouse door on a shrimp boat Smoking like a chimney Soars like an eagle Sounds like a thrashing machine Squeals like a stuck pig Sticks like glue Sticks like tar Sticks out like a sore thumb Struck like a serpent Sweating like a pig Sweating like a whore in a church Swellin' up like a big ol' dawg Tastes like the bottom of a birdcage Take it like a man That'll go over like a pregnant pole vaulter Took off like a bat out of hell Took off like a shot Treated like a dog Twisted like a pretzel Up and down like a whore's drawers Vanished like a fart in a fan factory Warped like a dog's hind leg Went over like a lead balloon Whines like the wife on payday Wrinkled like a prune Blew up like a jackass in a tin barn Blew up like a jackass on a 10-acre lot Built like a brick shithouse Built like a depot stove Driving like he's in a hurry to get to heaven Drop you like a sack of dirt Drop you like a sack of potatoes Feel like the ground floor tenant in a 2 story outhouse Fits like a saddle on a sow Hair like a last year's bird nest He goes at it like a house a'fire He had a look on his face like a rat eating crap off a wire brush He ran like a scalded dawg He was smiling like a rat eating onions Her ass looks like twenty pounds of ricotta cheese in a pillowcase Her face looks like an unmade bed Her face looks like thirty miles of bad road He's handy like a tool-belt I banged her like a broken screen door in a hurricane I feel like I was eaten by a wolf and shit out over a cliff I feel like I've been shot off my horse and dragged through the sagebrush I felt like a foreman at a retard house I got to whiz like a racehorse I'm off like a prom dress I'm on it like an Ethiopian on a cheeseburger It tastes like an angel peeing on my tongue It's like a singed cat, it tastes better than it looks It's like the woman with a nosebleed, if it ain’t one damn thing it's another It's like trying to push a wet rope up a hill Just like squirrels, the woods is full of them Just like tryin' to push a rope Left like last year's newspapers Looks like two pigs in a poke Looks like two possums in a gunny sack Lyin' like a dog a-trottin Raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock Raining like a two cuntted cow pissing on a flat rock Ran like a scalded dog Running like their feet was on fire and their asses was catching Shaking like a dog passing razorblades Shaking like a dog shitting peach pits She's built like a brick shithouse Shining like a diamond in a goats ass Sounds like a breedin' jackass in a tin barn Sounds like pigs eating their young Sounds like somebody beating a baby with a cat Stuck out like a turd in a punch bowl Sweating like a $2.00 whore in church Swelled up like a honeymoon pecker Tasted like shit good thing I did not step in it That looks like rat-shit rollin' off a rocky mountain That went over like a fart in church That would be like trying to shove butter up a wildcat's ass with a hot poker That'll go over like a fart in a spacesuit What's wrong? You look like you just kissed the wrong end of a baby When that gal walks, her hips look like two bobcats in a sack You look like death-warmed-over You sound like a hog in a coal pile You’ve got a mind like a cutworm Like a blind dog in a meat house Like a bulldog eating porridge (a woman's genitals after intercourse) Like a bat out of hell Like a broken record Like a chicken with its head cut off Like a dog chasing cars Like a duck on a June bug Like a fart in a skillet (wound up) Like a fish out of water Like a man grasping for straws Like a moth to a flame Like a snowball on its way hell Like a turtle on a fence post Like an apple, rotten to the core Like balling the jack Like being at a cake walk with no money Like being in a candy store with no money Like breaking a new pair of boots Like chalk and cheese (English) Like fucking a warm can of tuna Like getting your tit in the wringer Like grabbing hold of a dead fish Like ham on rye Like lambs to the slaughterhouse Like looking for a needle in a haystack Like my daddy used to say Like opening a can of worms Like pigs in a poke Like putting dracula in charge of the blood bank (unwise decision) Like riding a bike Like shooting fish in a barrel Like spittin' into the wind! (it will come back to you) Like stink on a skunk Like taking candy from a baby Like the pot calling the kettle black Like trying to nail Jello to a tree Like two peas in a pod Like walking a board sidewalk in high heels Like walking on eggshells Like water off a duck's back Like white on rice